The Fall

"What's complicated and why does it hurt? It's when you don't know where to stand in a person's life. It's when you are hanging in dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime. It's when you are like more than friends but not really, and it's like you're lovers when it's really otherwise. Darn it. Sometimes you'd want to wish to have never met that person at all but at the back of your mind, you're thankful you have."

I met him on a wednesday afternoon. or should i say i first saw him that day. cause i never really met him officially. i walked in the training room and found a chair on the last row. he was seated on the other table to my right. okay, i was new so he'd throw a glance my way. i looked at him with a blank face. i could see the uneasy expression on his, not knowing if he's going to smile or what. just another regular guy. i learned his name later, it meant "white demon" in german. cool. let's name him Joop. the communication skills training went on, it ended friday. our trainor hosted a party for our batch friday night. Joop and i shared a cab going to my trainor's house in merville. at some point, the driver started a conversation regarding the government's possible involvement in the last glorietta bombing. and Joop started giving his views on the matter. this guy's smart. but you can never tell just by looking at him. i kept on looking at him everytime he talks, and the uneasiness on his face was obvious, everytime i stare at him. i was laughing deep inside. shyboy. i like that. at the party, we sat beside each other. booze. he talks about his previous jobs. and asked me about mine. more booze. he talked about his childhood, and asked me how come i'm gay. i talked. more booze. he talked about his relationships, i learned his an unwed father. he asked me about my lovelife. i talked, emphasized that i'm happy being single. about 5am everybody got ready to pack up. one of the boys asked who's going north, that's my way. but Joop asked me to go with him and Bills instead. we were gona go to heritage and that they'd get a cab for me there. so we parted ways on heritage. i went to bed that morning thinking something good is about to happen.

the systems and tools training started the next wednesday. there were only 16 people left for the account. we met our new trainor Sevigny and our quality analist Klaus. everybody seemed to be intimidated by Sevigny, except for me of course, being the thick face that i am. i can't remember how it started. one lunch break i found myself eating with the girls, Rose, Marix, Teeny, Mommy Leny, Jamaica(a crossdresser) and Joop(the only guy in the group-read straight guy). since then we all went to breaks together. and as time went by i found myself getting closer and closer to Joop. the talks during cigarette breaks, over lunch, over coffee. i was pretty sure i was being carefull not to show that a feeling of admiration for him was jelling inside of me. i was wrong. everybody seemed to notice it. and when Joop wasn't around, the girls would talk to me about it. and they would give me advices, that i should be carefull. Joop was straight after all. the group became close to to Sevigny and Klaus, too. there was a party for our graduation, too. and Sevigny started a conversation with me. at first we were just talking about random things. until she asked about me and Joop. she knew? okay, so she knew every single thing that was happening in the training room. the wave being divided into two groups. the talks we had behind each other's back. she knew everything. and being a friend, she also told me i should be carefull.

given that Joop lives about 3 hours away from work, he was always late during our first week on the floor, making him lose points on his baileen. so while looking for an apartment, i invited him to crash at my place during workdays. and so it happened. no! no! not that! but the fall.... the first time we talked a lot while lying in bed till one of us drifted off to sleep. on the second time he let me cut his overgrown fingernails. on the third time he let me shaved his sideburns. the fourth time i brushed his hair to get rid off his dandruff that he's been having trouble dealing with. and the last time, which happened last saturday, we got drunk. Jamaica and Marix was supposed to go to my house but Jamaica's boyfriend didn't want her to go alone. and so Marix decided to go home instead. so it was just me and Joop on my balcony trying to drown ourselves. we didn't even care if we had a double shift that day that will start by 1am. oh the endless talks. it's been a month and i learned a lot of things that Joop and i had in common, and a lot of things that we didn't share. he's a great talker, but i didn't know if he was telling me everything there was to know about him. cause i've been holding up a lot. everytime he asked me something, i'd think of an answer that won't let me show any emotion. i was scared i guess. maybe it was the booze, or the fireworks display over roxas blvd., that night i said somethings to Joop that i knew was too early to say. he never said anything about that till now. so i hope he was too wasted to even remember it....