sunset boi

BASTED!!!

2007-12-11T16:42:00.000+09:00

"i can never teach him to love the way i wanted to be loved. i have to wait for him to do it in his own way at his own time. that's the saddest part of being me... but he can never teach me to love him back the way i did before if i grew tired of understanding and fed up waiting to be appreciated and loved the way i deserved. that's the saddest part of being an insensitive guy like him...." yeah right!!!

nov.27- 30 minutes before our shift ends, my college friend jam texted me saying she's in market2. so i asked her to meet me at the entrance of my work place. nothing could have prepared me for what i saw. it was the first time we were gona see each other after seven years. jam was absolutely drop dead gorgeous. she was really hot. there wasn't any single trace of masculinity in her. i couldn't believe that the last time i saw him, he was wearing this funny boy hair cut and he had soft hair all over his face. i thought i was looking at a local celebrity, rica peralejo. so i introduced her to my friends marix and Joop. and we decided to have lunch at gerry's so we could catch up. turned out that marix's cousin was jam's office mate so everybody got along easily. jam and i talked about everything that had happened for the last seven years. we talked about everybody we knew back in college, their whereabouts, what has become of them. we had great laughs reminiscing. even marix and joop couldn't believe that this beautiful lady in front of them used to be a boy. we parted ways about 3:30pm. jam and i decided to go out come sunday night. joop and i dropped marix at her place. today joop wasn't feeling that well. maybe because of the weather. when i got out of the shower, he was already in bed all covered up..... i went to sleep hoping he'd be fine come morning time.

nov.28- glad joop was feeling better. maybe it was just the lack of sleep that caused him not to feel well. we went to work. after shift, i asked jamaica to wait for me cause sevigny and i went through her apartment listings. we tried to contact some of them and there were a few good prospects in the vicinity of market2. it took us about an hour and jamaica was really pissed off by the time i got to them at mcdonalds. so i took them out for lunch to keep up to him. we ended up at hapchan with klaus and sevigny as well. then we went to look for this place somewhere in taguig. unfortunately, it wasn't that good. so joop and i decided we'd look somewhere else. we went home. right before going to sleep, joop asked me to brush his hair. i did. i can't remember how it started, but i found my self asking him what's the chance that we'd be an item... after a lot of blah blah blah... it boiled down to one thing. that all he can offer was his friendship, beyond that was absolutely out of the question. he even told me that it's my choice to love him and that he's got the right to choose not to reciprocate. what the fuck is wrong with me?

nov.29- thursday. work was fine. same boring routine. i was really starting to think i wasn't fit for this job. mentally and technically unfit. patience has never been one of my virtues. but i guess i gota start working on that one. after shift, we decided to go to mamzer's house. we had lunch and had about 5 bottles of red horse mucho. marix, maja, anna, me and joop. jomz took off early, something about a girl or whatevz. so mamzer and maja already knew my thing for joop. but i just gave them smirks everytime they asked me about it. so when the booze was all gone, anna was so focused browsing the net. mamzer gave me and marix a tour of her place, and we left joop and maja at the table talking about who knew what?... so when we reached mamzer's bedroom marix threw herself on the bed, mamzer joined in, i found a chair by the door. so again we started talking about marix's ex bf. and mamzer shared her views on the matter. and she talked about her past and present relationships too. until maja walked in and gave us this funny face, and told us how joop can talk... marix and i laughed. cause we already knew what a talker joop was, especially when drunk. and he really loves talking about his lovelife and his child out of wedlock. for fuck's sakes. i'd give anything not to hear that story again. joop and i reached my place and found the door was locked and nobody was home. i never really carried my own keys cause the maid was always home. unfortunately not as always as i thought. i tried calling my little brother joe and her girlfriends's phone but both were out of reach. after about 15 minutes of waiting i decided to go down to buy us some drinks. i left joop seated by the door. i baught a bottle of C2 and some cupcakes. when i got back i saw joop standing by the hallway window looking so pale and sick and i just knew he was about to throw up. i went to him and asked what's wrong. he said he felt dizzy and couldn't breathe. i opened the C2 and gave it to him. i was about to call the guardhouse and ask for help so i could take joop to the hospital, when he started throwing up. i was so scared, not knowing what to do, i was about to cry. then he faced me with this big smile on his face and said, i'm sorry. it turned out, while i was gone buying the snack, he felt bored that he started doing some push ups and jogged. the sudden stop that he made, made him feel dizzy and all. son of a bitch!!! when i was sure he was okay, i went back to the store to get a bottle of water. when i got back, he was already inside. my brother has arrived from the supermarket. i took joop to the bedroom. he told me that my brother asked him who puked. and he actually answered, us! "come on i'm really embarrased." with that devilish grin on his face. i let him lie down for a bit and i went looking for a mop so i could clean up his mess. i wasn't about to ask my brother's maid to clean it for me. there was already too much humiliation on my part. i really didn't want to add insult to it. it was really the first time i cleaned somebody else's puke, i wanted to cry. as marix said after hearing the story, the things you do for love!!!

nov.30- work went fine. we talked about joop's stupid act the whole day. we went home early as well. i actually can't remember if we had a lunch out this day. joop and i talked about the apartment that we're gona look for, till we drifted off to sleep.

dec.1- after work, jamaica accompanied us to look for the vacant apartment near her place. marix joined us as well. it was situated at the second floor of a building that according to jamaica was used by militaries as barracks way back. we were moving upstairs when joop, marix and i exchanged these funny looks on our faces. there was no way in hell i was going to live in a place like this. trash was everywhere. the hallway was poorly lit, and very narrow. when we jamaica opened the door, i just couldn't help thinking how in the hell someone could live here? the ceiling was too low, the stairs to the 2nd floor was so narrow. and the comfort room was just a tiny room without any comfort in it. we turned it down. marix, joop and i went back to market2 to get a cab. we went to makati to look for this studio type unit at my friend ian's place in jp. rizal. the furnishing wasn't done yet but the owner told us it could be done in a week if we were in a rush. marix liked the place. i did too, plus the fact that i will be living near ian and kathy excited me. the problem came when we asked joop what did he think about it. funny that he came up with the negative things first, like it was so near the highway, so it will probably be noisy with all the cars that passes by. so we went for the unit in the middle, and he started computing all the expenses, you can just tell by the look on his face how skeptical he was. by this time, i didn't know that marix was starting to get pissed off by his behaviour, and mine. so we told the owner we were gona talk to billy, cause he will be moving in with us, before we make a final decision. so we went to RCBC plaza to talk to billy. he was in the middle of his job orientation but he came down to talk, i really dig this guy. so we explained the set up, that we were gona divide all the expenses among the three of us. that we could move in, in a week. and billy just said yes to evrything. then all of a sudden, joop started talking about this place where his cousin "apparently" lives, and that he's been planing to move in with this cousin. he compared all things between if he lived with us and if he lived with his cuz, each point stressing how beneficial it will be for him if he lived with his cousin instead. at this point, the realization finally came to me, how stupid i've been the last 6 weeks. all i can hear was marix's voice, "why the hell are you moving out? you're living in your own house, all you have to do is eat and sleep once you got home. you got a maid doing everything for you. you're just being silly, and you have to stop!" and she was right. okay, maybe all i ever wanted was to help joop. so he could have someone to shoulder the expenses. but i might have gone too far that i didn't know i was already hurting his pride. i just heard billy telling joop that it will be better then if he lived with his cousin instead. i could see on billy's face tha he was pissed off too. given we've talked about this matter since our traning days. so billy and i decided we'd talk about it sometime over the week. joop and i went home to my place. while in the cab i received a text from billy- "you've got to stop. you don't deserve to be treated this way. i'm sorry, but this is how i feel." and i replied that indeed, no matter how real you're feelings for someone, the heart gets tired of waiting. and at this moment, i got tired. so when we reached home, i fixed him dinner, and he started acting troubled. he was calling people on his mobile, asking them how his girlfriend knew that he has a child. apparently he didn't inform her girlfriend about his 3-month old daughter, and she somehow learned about it. but then i was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from all the day's events that i couldn't even bring myself to listen to what he was telling me. or maybe, i just didn't want to talk to him anymore. i was bitter, i was hurting, for crying out loud. after eating i went straight to the shower, and when it was his turn, i went to bed and covered my self. i wanted to sleep and never wake up.

dec.2- after work, mamzer, maja, marix and i went to the foodcourt to have lunch. tony joined us later. mamzer was bragging about this pancit and kinilaw from one of the restos there. and it was really delicious. mamzer asked about joop, i just told her he wanted to go home early. marix gave me this funny look. i already told her about joop's problem with his girlfriend. marix and i already had a plan to go to timog tonight. mars, a guy reffered to her by our friend rose was supposed to take her out. i was going to join them since i'll be meeting my friend jam somewhere in timog later that night. we went home after lunch. as much as i wanted to go to sleep so i could rest, i just couldn't get joop out of my mind. everything that has happened has sunk in. i guess at this point, i was already in the acceptance stage. i'm pretty sure he was the last thing on my mind right before i dozzed off. two hours later, marix called me up. so mars couldn't make it. but we really wanted to go out. marix came to my place, and waited for me while i was getting fixed up. we decided to go to metrowalk instead. i was going to worry about jam later. so there we were at bacolod's chicken, two tired souls who couldn't even decide what to ask for dinner. mamzer all of a sudden texted us informing she was in metrowalk, at the resto right across to where we were. she invited us to her table and introduced us to her friends. they were all nice and very accomodating. there were only six of us, but there were about 5 or 6 buckets of beer. it was like the last day of san mig light. we had fun talking about lots of stuff, taking pictures, lots of pictures. but then we were really tired that we decided to go home early. we left 8 untouched bottles of sanmig lights at the table. i called jam on our way home. fortunately, she was already in a motel room with some guy she met at their xmas party. lucky bitch!!!

The Fall

2007-11-26T18:58:00.001+09:00

"What's complicated and why does it hurt? It's when you don't know where to stand in a person's life. It's when you are hanging in dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime. It's when you are like more than friends but not really, and it's like you're lovers when it's really otherwise. Darn it. Sometimes you'd want to wish to have never met that person at all but at the back of your mind, you're thankful you have."

I met him on a wednesday afternoon. or should i say i first saw him that day. cause i never really met him officially. i walked in the training room and found a chair on the last row. he was seated on the other table to my right. okay, i was new so he'd throw a glance my way. i looked at him with a blank face. i could see the uneasy expression on his, not knowing if he's going to smile or what. just another regular guy. i learned his name later, it meant "white demon" in german. cool. let's name him Joop. the communication skills training went on, it ended friday. our trainor hosted a party for our batch friday night. Joop and i shared a cab going to my trainor's house in merville. at some point, the driver started a conversation regarding the government's possible involvement in the last glorietta bombing. and Joop started giving his views on the matter. this guy's smart. but you can never tell just by looking at him. i kept on looking at him everytime he talks, and the uneasiness on his face was obvious, everytime i stare at him. i was laughing deep inside. shyboy. i like that. at the party, we sat beside each other. booze. he talks about his previous jobs. and asked me about mine. more booze. he talked about his childhood, and asked me how come i'm gay. i talked. more booze. he talked about his relationships, i learned his an unwed father. he asked me about my lovelife. i talked, emphasized that i'm happy being single. about 5am everybody got ready to pack up. one of the boys asked who's going north, that's my way. but Joop asked me to go with him and Bills instead. we were gona go to heritage and that they'd get a cab for me there. so we parted ways on heritage. i went to bed that morning thinking something good is about to happen.

the systems and tools training started the next wednesday. there were only 16 people left for the account. we met our new trainor Sevigny and our quality analist Klaus. everybody seemed to be intimidated by Sevigny, except for me of course, being the thick face that i am. i can't remember how it started. one lunch break i found myself eating with the girls, Rose, Marix, Teeny, Mommy Leny, Jamaica(a crossdresser) and Joop(the only guy in the group-read straight guy). since then we all went to breaks together. and as time went by i found myself getting closer and closer to Joop. the talks during cigarette breaks, over lunch, over coffee. i was pretty sure i was being carefull not to show that a feeling of admiration for him was jelling inside of me. i was wrong. everybody seemed to notice it. and when Joop wasn't around, the girls would talk to me about it. and they would give me advices, that i should be carefull. Joop was straight after all. the group became close to to Sevigny and Klaus, too. there was a party for our graduation, too. and Sevigny started a conversation with me. at first we were just talking about random things. until she asked about me and Joop. she knew? okay, so she knew every single thing that was happening in the training room. the wave being divided into two groups. the talks we had behind each other's back. she knew everything. and being a friend, she also told me i should be carefull.

given that Joop lives about 3 hours away from work, he was always late during our first week on the floor, making him lose points on his baileen. so while looking for an apartment, i invited him to crash at my place during workdays. and so it happened. no! no! not that! but the fall.... the first time we talked a lot while lying in bed till one of us drifted off to sleep. on the second time he let me cut his overgrown fingernails. on the third time he let me shaved his sideburns. the fourth time i brushed his hair to get rid off his dandruff that he's been having trouble dealing with. and the last time, which happened last saturday, we got drunk. Jamaica and Marix was supposed to go to my house but Jamaica's boyfriend didn't want her to go alone. and so Marix decided to go home instead. so it was just me and Joop on my balcony trying to drown ourselves. we didn't even care if we had a double shift that day that will start by 1am. oh the endless talks. it's been a month and i learned a lot of things that Joop and i had in common, and a lot of things that we didn't share. he's a great talker, but i didn't know if he was telling me everything there was to know about him. cause i've been holding up a lot. everytime he asked me something, i'd think of an answer that won't let me show any emotion. i was scared i guess. maybe it was the booze, or the fireworks display over roxas blvd., that night i said somethings to Joop that i knew was too early to say. he never said anything about that till now. so i hope he was too wasted to even remember it....

a whole bunch of nursing students

2007-09-05T21:33:00.000+09:00

yesterday, i was sleeping in the couch in the living room when the phone started to ring. i groggily answered it wondering what time it was. when i heard the voice on the other line i knew it was my best friend Jo from Nagoya. and i knew there was something wrong. she told me she was at the parking lot of her apartment and she just needed someone to talk to. she started crying and started to tell me how sorry she was for accusing me of betraying her in regards to a problem that she and our other friend G(or should i say who used to be a friend?) has been dealing with for quite sometime now. i actually didn't have any idea what she was talking about when she told me during our last conversation that she knew i had something to do with the fact that G was able to return to Nagoya, when Jo's been trying to prevent G from doing so. she told me, she wasn't just thinking the last time and that she was too furious with all that had happened. i of course accepted her apology and told her i understood, and that i love her sooooooo much. i'm still hurting, because i know things will never be the same with me and G and that i had to let go of that 13 years of friendship. i wasn't about to lose Jo, too. we then talked about the same problem we've been trying to fix since december last year. she even came home to Manila last May and stayed with me for more than a week just so i could help her deal with things. so i gave her my points of view in regards to the matter. and i made her promise to forget about it instead, since nothing good will come out of it anyways. we talked for about an hour and i promised to send her an e-mail later, we were both tired by that time so we said our goodbyes. i went back to the couch and found my ipod. i looked at the time, it was only 5am. i drifted off to sleep in no time.

around 3pm, i was reading one of my favorite mag-blog(ohlalaparis) when my friend Raven sent me an instant message in YM. we haven't talked in a long time. he was inviting me to go to his place, because he was throwing a b-day party for his friend. i didn't promise him anything but that i will try, since i miss hanging out with him. i met him winter 0f 2005 when i was still living in Nagoya City. he went to visit his cousin who was a close friend of my mom. and we spent hours and hours of drinking and talking about boys and other gay stuff. i hosted the 2006 new year' s party, and that turned out to be the craziest new year Raven and i had ever had.

about 9:30pm i was ready to go to Raven's. i picked my favorite black shirt with Kurt Cobain's face printed on it. a worn out Levi's and a Yohji Yamamoto sneakers. i was there after 30 minutes. Raven lives in a 2-storey apartment. his living room has been transformed into a small office for his marketing business. when i entered the door i saw about 5 guys seated around an office table in the left, drinking. to my right was a guy in front of a computer, lining up songs. and behind him was a cute shirtless guy talking on the phone. Raven introduced me to everyone and i thought that was it but he pulled me into the dining room and i found about a whole class of nursing students, around the table, by the sink, by the comfort room. everybody seemed to be talking at once and they all seem to be having fun. some were dancing shirtless and most of these guys are really cute if not hot. i decided to join the 5 guys in the office since they were the ones closest to Raven. one of them is Raven's bestfriend and business partner, a gay friend, and two guys who i suspected were straights, though i was hoping they were not cause they were really hot, especially the one with the long hair. and later i learned that Raven actually has a thing for mr.long hair, so i kept to myself. people kept coming and at one point there were actually about 15 of us in the office, drinking, dancing, shouting on the phone, smoking. then this beautiful ladyboy arrived and nothing could have prepared me for her. she looked at the wallclock and announced in a booming voice..."okay, boys.... it's past midnignt so it's screening time. all of you with cock under 5 inches go home." everybody laughed of course but i really felt the bitch was serious. she went straight to the dining room and sat at one of the boys' lap. she started drinking with them and danced around. kissing everyone near her. by 2am, people started to leave. then sometime later there were only 7 of us so we transfered to the dining room. we had some serious talks about gay relationships and mr.long hair and his friend was so patient listening and giving their opinions from time to time. Raven was already drunk that he was all over mr.long hair the whole time. ladyboy left telling us that she was gona meet one of the nursing boys a couple of blocks away. at that point i knew that most of us were already too wasted to even attempt on hooking up. plus i wasn't really in the mood. so by 3am i left, but not before Raven told me to be back by friday night. there will be a battle of the bands contest and that there will surely be a party at his place after that. i said yes.

the son of sunset

2007-03-24T12:05:00.000+09:00

october 2, 1981. he was standing exactly where the sea water could reach his feet. a handsome young man who, just now was feeling emotions he's never felt in his nineteen years of existence. the sun was about to set, casting all the shades of fire in the horizon. he looked behind him and in the distance he could see all the small houses built atop the sea wall. he looked back at the setting sun, majestic. he smiled to himself, knowing that in one of the houses something more magical than the sunset was happening. he was about to be a father.

"the baby is here," a shout.

he turned around and found a boy on the sea wall waving at him. he jumped causing the water to splash in whichever directions. he screamed of pride. he started running towards the boy, who also turned around and ran to the houses. he made his way thru people greeting him, giving him smiles and nods and some even pat him by the shoulder. he entered the small room and found the local midwife wrapping a baby in a small white blanket.

she looked at him and smiled, "it's a boy." he looked at the beautiful girl, about his age sleeping. he understood. exhausted from performing the magic. he leaned down and gave her a kiss on her cheek. overwhelmed, shiverring, he took the baby from the old woman, carefully, everything was happening in slow motion. a small beautiful baby boy, sound asleep. he was scared. he looked at his son and smiled, tears started flowing down his cheeks. he slightly pulled his son if possible even closer to him. as if to assure him that he was protected from all the pains in the world. he closed his eyes and thought, i'm going to name you Yj.